Love Notes from – and To Matt

Twelve and a half years times two

It’s not fair to Matt that my limits of defining his life experience and memory. For the first twelve and a half years, he was a happy, sometime troubled kid. The next twelve and a half years, he was addicted to the lifestyle of getting high and into trouble. Addiction is an awful disease that affects all around the diseased. In my role as mom, I enabled, I cajoled, bargained, forced solutions, made things worse, cried, gave up, hung on.

The truth, though is that Matt’s 25 year old life had many high points.

Thought he was okay.

I thought he was doing ok. It was rehab for way longer than anyone else in the detox-rehab center. Then he went to Self Help that seemed to be what he needed, longer term. I was glad when he told us he was “graduating” to go to a sober house and had a job with a chimney company, our family business line so he had experience. It seemed all was better. It could have been. It was for him, seemed to be.

And so it goes. More came out long afterward that it wasn’t the best situations he was in. There were overdoses, stealing, problems that Matt dealt with in a problematic way, not a healthy way. Little did we know until much later.

Grief over what could have been

What would a love note from Matt look like?

Mom and Dad,

I always wanted you to be proud of me. I never made the mark. You gave me every chance. You offered me lots to do. I could never get out from under not living up to your expectations. I lived in a constant state of not good enough. I loved you and always threw away the chance of love by doing things that showed no love only sickness.

What I wanted felt out of reach and the answer to getting what I wanted was plain old wrong. I just didn’t know that til way too late.

I love you, Mom, and always will. I love you, Dad, and learned from you.

Love,
Matt